MaryB died this week and I am a crying mess today and the sun is out but I am not and I feel like i just want to wake up and stop being a sad little baby about everything in my life. I want to be free and whole and full and awake and I want to be Light. I want to give something to this world instead of taking all it's sadness and loss. I want to be something in this world other than selfishness and laziness and lack of action. I want to run and not be weary, walk and not faint, I want my bones to carry me to places I need to be. I believe there are places and specific people I have yet to meet, faces that I have to see and love and listen to. I want to be Pilate from Morrison's mind and a bit of Emily Madsen's confidence and Ashley Longshore's dancing pump up videos and Clark Goldsberry's enthusiasm energy and ability to ASK, and Brene Brown's storytelling and opening global conversations about shame, vulnerability, and connection, Lin Miranda's songs and hand gestures when he talks about things he cares about, and Sufjan's Red Rock Concert in 2016 when he decided to LIVE. These people GIVE the world something it didn't even know it needed. They give something to the World that the World doesn't even deserve or ask for. They give us and the world something elevated, transcending, and above the norm and smog and hatred and traffic and selfish billboards and advertisements. They give something of God to this super broken, bleeding, unfixable world of ours. Nothing can fix this evil place, but these people show me that we can become more than what the World says we can. They show me beauty and hope and I hear my own symphonies, sounds, images, and dreams call to me and I know I must give the same. I must give something of myself or I am not fully living. My purpose is to give something of God that can only come out of me. I have to give it. I have to find it. Or I will be sad.
